An End to the Summer

I have not blogged in many days because I had nothing to say (I was also finishing a novella). My grand project to lose weight this summer and to blog each day has dwindled to an end. For my loyal readers, I owe you one final blog trying to explain what has happened.

When I began my project, things went well for the first few weeks but then things began to derail. I could not make the appropriate choices I needed to and I was at a loss for how to right things. Finally, just a few days before my Minneapolis trip, I just gave up. I felt as if I just could not fight the cravings and bouts of binge eating. I ate appropriately in Minneapolis but that was all.  

So what went wrong? Well, I’ve realized that I haven’t been in the right “mode” to focus on eating right and doing what I needed to do. I started out okay but then my depressive and anxiety symptoms began increasing and I realized I was in the mode I needed to be in to deal with those symptoms. That mode is survival mode. It ultimately comes down to just trying to make it one day to the next and the choices I needed to make were to just get me through each day. I could not focus on the extra energy it needed to make good food choices and be active.

In reflection, despite my hopes and initial excitement, it just wasn’t going to be the summer of success. It’s been hard to accept that but I have to due to survival mode. I need to stop blaming myself and realize what I ended up doing was surviving the summer. That’s what is important to note.

My failure at weight loss has added to my depression and has assisted in a sadness settling in (other things have added to that sadness also). This sadness will be the focus of the next few therapy sessions.

I apologizing for being silent so long but I needed to wait until I was ready to write this final blog. I would also like to apologize if I have disappointed anyone for failing at my weight loss. I do think, however, I was successful in one thing and that is through my writing demonstrating just exactly how difficult it is to lose weight. As much as some thin people think, it’s not a matter of eating less and moving more. The deepness the emotions and feelings go is nearly indescribable and is just as important as food and exercise.

I hope everyone has had a good summer and I want to thank everyone who took the time to read my blog and leave me constructive comments. That has meant a great deal to me. Teachers report back to school two weeks from tomorrow and I’m looking forward to having a daily structure back. I know that helps me and maybe good choices will come out of that structure. I can’t see the future so I can’t say if it’ll happen for sure. I’m in survival mode and that comes first.  

Dana

Day 52 - Wasted Time

I came to the realization that I’ve been at this for 52 days and have little to show for it. It’s rather disgusting. I had two things to accomplish this summer – lose weight and finish The Superhero’s Housekeeper – and I’m sucking at both of them. The lack of writing is hitting me a little less than the lack of weight loss. It’s the weight loss that affects my health the most (there is stress when writing and waiting to hear back from publishers and agents) and I wanted to really turn things around. I just feel like a big, fat failure. I could go on and on about how I feel right now but I don’t think that’s a good thing to do.

Dana :(

Weight: 398.6 (down .2)

Day 51 - Back at It

Trying to get back at eating healthy. Went grocery shopping this morning and picked up sandwich makings for lunch and lettuce for salads. I’m going to really try and not break that 400 mark (going up) and, of course, lose weight. Now that my Daughtry weekend is over, my focus can be on making good choices in eating. For lunch I had a turkey and provolone on rye with some baked tater chips but for dinner, I made the choice to get a hot sandwich from Domino’s. I had a craving. It happens but I need to learn how to deal with those cravings and not give in to them. That, of course, is one of the tricks to losing weight but also something that’s hard to do. All I can do is take it one day at a time, right?

My face is molting now because of my sunburn which makes me look oh so lovely. My upper chest got burned too on Saturday and the beet red portion of my skin is split into two thanks to my purse strap so that just looks great. LOL I had taken some Coppertone with me but when I sprayed a little on my hand to make sure I wasn’t allergic to it (I have issues with beauty products), I found the smell of the stuff offensive. I’m not sure if any of us manage to take sun precautions or at least I don’t remember.

My knee is still a bit swollen and bruised and I probably should have it checked out by my doctor but I’m tired of having medical bills. I’ll give it a few days.

Not only am I trying to focus on health, I need to get The Superhero’s Housekeeper done and I’ve been slowly increasing the amount of words I get done each day. The goal is to get the first draft done before school begins and then I can work on editing it when things get busy with school.

Dana :)

Weight: 398.8 (holding steady)