Tuesday, April 19, 2016

Trying the Meth

I’ve received some positivity about blogging again. I don’t know if this will happen every day, once a week, or whatever. This attempt at losing this upsetting 50 pounds is a new journey and there’s a lot of emotional baggage with it. So there’s my caveat about picking up this blog again. It might be enlightening, frustrating, and/or tear inducing.

I’m more fixated on food than ever which doesn’t help me because now all I want to do is eat. I do have an eating disorder – binge eating disorder (it’s a real thing and here’s the website http://www.bingeeatingdisorder.com/) and this fall I tried a new medication (Vyvanse) to help with the BED but it caused my depression to increase to a scary point so I had to stop taking it out of fear of hurting myself. I’m next going to try methylphenidate (aka Ritalin and medication #13) to see if that might help. I have a hard time pronouncing methylphenidate so I just call it meth but I have to be careful because I don’t want people to think I’m on the other meth. LOL?

Anywho, I’m going to start that in the next couple of days and see if that helps. Until then, I’m trying to be carb-phobic but am really sucking at it. I was good for breakfast today having some cheese and hard salami (totally not kosher and Passover is coming up so I’m not sure what I’m going to do then but that’s a whole other issue) but then there was the prospect of a scotcharoo (which ended up being two) and pizza and well, since it’s Tuesday my OCD likes me to have tacos. And for dessert there was pudding. I honestly don’t order (I order from Hy-Vee) sweets that often with my groceries but I had a craving.

I did bring out the little mini-cycle I bought last summer but it’s difficult to maneuver that with my big ass belly. I’m really not focusing on the moving more thing because of my fear of dropping from a heart attack which makes the walk from the parking lot to my classroom (and vice versa) scary as hell some days. I actually took a video of me breathing heavily once I made it to my classroom last week to kind of help me but it just makes me feel ashamed so that was a backfire.

So that’s it for today.

Dana

Sunday, April 17, 2016

Crossroads

I feel I am at such a crossroads right now and it’s sending me into a panic. I’ve shared with you all before that I’m morbidly obese. I have Type 2 diabetes, high blood pressure, and high cholesterol. I take twelve different medications between my obesity and my depression and anxiety. I’m beginning to physically not be able to do things and am having difficulty doing something as simple as walk from my car to my classroom. I think I cry more now because of my fat than from my depression (which may be a win for my depression). I’m sobbing as I write this now.

Since having my gallbladder out in October, I’ve gained 50 pounds. I have read that gaining after the procedure does happen but I don’t think it’s supposed to be that much. I know how to eat healthy and I try but then I just get overwhelmed and the bad habits rear. I desperately need to get a handle on my eating because I’m so afraid now that I’m just moments away from a heart attack or a stroke or some other bad side effect from my obesity. The worry causes me to panic which is not what I need. I don’t want to be a burden to my family should something happen.

I’m so ashamed at this latest weight gain because my fat is finally catching up to me. What is it going to take for me to reverse this? I have more books in me waiting to be published. I want to see my niece and nephew do great things but I’m afraid I won’t be around for any of that. Why can’t I just do something as simple as eat right? I’ve battled cancer and my depression but eating healthy just seems to be so beyond what I can do. I feel so weak.

What is it going to take? I’m so embarrassed to share this with you all but I felt like writing might help.

I know some of you may be just thinking ‘eat less, move more’ but moving is not easy right now and I’m at such a loss as far as eating less. It seems so simple but it’s really not. If you’ve never had a weight problem, it’s probably hard for you to understand.

I don’t know if I’m afraid of losing weight because I’ve never been thing and don’t know what it feels like. Am I afraid of that? I don’t even want to be thin, just less of me. I know what to do but why can’t I do it?

Dana