Trying the Meth

I’ve received some positivity about blogging again. I don’t know if this will happen every day, once a week, or whatever. This attempt at losing this upsetting 50 pounds is a new journey and there’s a lot of emotional baggage with it. So there’s my caveat about picking up this blog again. It might be enlightening, frustrating, and/or tear inducing.

I’m more fixated on food than ever which doesn’t help me because now all I want to do is eat. I do have an eating disorder – binge eating disorder (it’s a real thing and here’s the website http://www.bingeeatingdisorder.com/) and this fall I tried a new medication (Vyvanse) to help with the BED but it caused my depression to increase to a scary point so I had to stop taking it out of fear of hurting myself. I’m next going to try methylphenidate (aka Ritalin and medication #13) to see if that might help. I have a hard time pronouncing methylphenidate so I just call it meth but I have to be careful because I don’t want people to think I’m on the other meth. LOL?

Anywho, I’m going to start that in the next couple of days and see if that helps. Until then, I’m trying to be carb-phobic but am really sucking at it. I was good for breakfast today having some cheese and hard salami (totally not kosher and Passover is coming up so I’m not sure what I’m going to do then but that’s a whole other issue) but then there was the prospect of a scotcharoo (which ended up being two) and pizza and well, since it’s Tuesday my OCD likes me to have tacos. And for dessert there was pudding. I honestly don’t order (I order from Hy-Vee) sweets that often with my groceries but I had a craving.

I did bring out the little mini-cycle I bought last summer but it’s difficult to maneuver that with my big ass belly. I’m really not focusing on the moving more thing because of my fear of dropping from a heart attack which makes the walk from the parking lot to my classroom (and vice versa) scary as hell some days. I actually took a video of me breathing heavily once I made it to my classroom last week to kind of help me but it just makes me feel ashamed so that was a backfire.

So that’s it for today.

Dana