Crossroads

I feel I am at such a crossroads right now and it’s sending me into a panic. I’ve shared with you all before that I’m morbidly obese. I have Type 2 diabetes, high blood pressure, and high cholesterol. I take twelve different medications between my obesity and my depression and anxiety. I’m beginning to physically not be able to do things and am having difficulty doing something as simple as walk from my car to my classroom. I think I cry more now because of my fat than from my depression (which may be a win for my depression). I’m sobbing as I write this now.

Since having my gallbladder out in October, I’ve gained 50 pounds. I have read that gaining after the procedure does happen but I don’t think it’s supposed to be that much. I know how to eat healthy and I try but then I just get overwhelmed and the bad habits rear. I desperately need to get a handle on my eating because I’m so afraid now that I’m just moments away from a heart attack or a stroke or some other bad side effect from my obesity. The worry causes me to panic which is not what I need. I don’t want to be a burden to my family should something happen.

I’m so ashamed at this latest weight gain because my fat is finally catching up to me. What is it going to take for me to reverse this? I have more books in me waiting to be published. I want to see my niece and nephew do great things but I’m afraid I won’t be around for any of that. Why can’t I just do something as simple as eat right? I’ve battled cancer and my depression but eating healthy just seems to be so beyond what I can do. I feel so weak.

What is it going to take? I’m so embarrassed to share this with you all but I felt like writing might help.

I know some of you may be just thinking ‘eat less, move more’ but moving is not easy right now and I’m at such a loss as far as eating less. It seems so simple but it’s really not. If you’ve never had a weight problem, it’s probably hard for you to understand.

I don’t know if I’m afraid of losing weight because I’ve never been thing and don’t know what it feels like. Am I afraid of that? I don’t even want to be thin, just less of me. I know what to do but why can’t I do it?

Dana