Operation Disney - Day 5

It’s day 5 of Operation Disney and I’m looking back to see how I’ve done. I feel I could have done better but as Beth pointed out yesterday in therapy, I need to focus on the positives instead of beating myself up over the negatives. This is really hard for me to do because focusing on the negatives is what I know; it’s what I grew up with.

So, what are some of the positives? Well, I never ate my arm off. There wasn’t a time this week where I ate until I was miserable so that was good or ate a large amount of food multiple times in a day. My eating disorder was in check. This also means I did well on portion control. I was able to put some money into my Disney Vacation Account and planned my first day at Epcot. I realized I needed new shoes and bought those. I’ve done some moving around but not as much as I needed. That’s where I’m struggling along with getting the eating better evened out.

Today as I edited Deceptions, I tried to walk every hour. Walking around my apartment is monotonous (and a little dangerous since Joey thinks it’s a game and wants to trip me) so I thought I would walk in the hallway outside my apartment door. Even though no one was around, I was still very self-conscious of what I was doing and talked myself out of walking. I think what I’m going to have to try next week is going up to the tunnel at St. Luke’s daily and doing all of my walking at once instead of in five minute increments in my apartment. At least if I have a heart attack, I’ll already be at the hospital! I’m still not sure about this plan though because I am so self-conscious. We’ll see.

I also want to be more consistent with my eating. One day this week I only ate once while Wednesday I had three meals. I feel guilty if I eat three meals because I feel I’m eating too much. The last thing I need to do is swap out one eating disorder for another. I really only want to eat when I’m hungry instead of automatically eating because it’s a traditional dinner time. That’s what I want to work on in the coming days.

So my first 5 days have passed and if I were to grade myself, I’d give myself a D+. Maybe a C-. I’m not sure. It’s still very hard for me to focus on the positives.

Another thing Beth pointed out to me yesterday is that it is very hard for me to change, especially when the change is positive. I often assume I’m going to fail before I’ve even tried and this is really a train of thought that is hard for me to hop off of. Instead of assuming I’ll fail, I need to tell myself that I might just be successful. I also need to not think of this yearlong operation all at once but think of it in smaller time frames. So I’ve decided to chunk it up into this summer, then the start of the schoolyear until the holidays, and then the holidays until my trip.

I’ve also adjusted the dates of my trip. Instead of leaving on a Sunday and coming back a week and a day later, I’m going to leave on a Monday and come back the following Tuesday. The reason for this is the fear of the letdown. I always have a letdown after a Daughtry concert and I can only imagine the letdown after a trip to Disneyworld is going to be quite large. So I talked it over with Beth and the reason why I’m coming back on a Tuesday is so I can assess the letdown that will probably hit the rest of that day and the next and then go into my usual therapy appointment on Thursday to talk about the letdown and hopefully keep it from getting the best of me. There are so many things to consider in planning this vacation!

Dana