Day 31 - Ugly Day

Ugly day that has left me with a raging headache and feelings of failure after a bad panic attack. I keep rubbing my temples and squeezing my head. I don’t know if I’m trying to squeeze out the bad thoughts or what but it’s certainly doesn’t help my headache.

It’s one of the hard days when trying to lose weight; it’s so easy to just blow it all. All I can think about is demolishing a bag of peanut M&Ms. The cravings are so strong; it’s the feeling I get before a binge episode. Thankfully I don’t keep a lot of food in the house but that didn’t stop me from ordering chicken fries and mashed potatoes for dinner. I haven’t binged in a few weeks and I don’t know if I’m trying to self-sabotage myself. It seems the closer I get to ten pounds, the more I stumble. Ten pounds may not seem like a lot but for me, it would be an accomplishment. A big one.

Today was one of those days that reminds what a struggle losing weight is and what a mountain I have to climb. Sometimes I just want to throw the towel in and say f*ck it but then I remember how miserable it is being this big and how I want to get off some of my medications. It’s hard some days to keep my eyes on “the prize.”

Seriously, a bag of peanut M&Ms. That’s what I feel would make me feel better right now but I know that I really wouldn’t feel better afterwards. Guilt would come afterwards along with being angry with myself. This is one of those “the struggle is real” days.

Dana :(

Numbers

Weight: 395.2 (up 1.8, down 5.8 total since starting)

Out of Bed Blood Sugar: 119 (good)

Before Lunch Blood Sugar: forgot

Before Dinner (let’s call this the 5ish PM check, now) Blood Sugar: forgot