Day 14 - The Struggle is Real

Today’s blog is coming early. I need to write to try and reset my mind. I’m nearly two weeks into this summer challenge and I feel that my numbers (at least weight) should be better. I’m on the verge of self-sabotaging which often happens to me about two weeks into a healthy eating pattern. Even if my weight was down more, I would be looking for way to screw it up for myself. I’ve had issues this weekend and I’m beating myself up over it.

I need to stop, though. There are going to be bad moments and I can’t react because that will just lead to me overeating and gaining more weight than I initially lost. It’s an ugly cycle. The struggle to lose weight is just that – a struggle. It’s real and it’s difficult for some people to understand the hold food haves over a person.

Some people who read this blog have known me since kindergarten and know I’ve struggled with my weight ever since. Food has always been a comfort to me, it is/was my blankie. My binkie. My lambie. Food was always there for me growing up; food never hurt me. As I grew older and life changes occurred, food was there. It’s been a constant. I often feel I have no control (obvious) over food although the realistic part of my mind sees the problem I’m having with food but my emotions always get the best of me. All my life, I’ve (and my family) turned to food; it didn’t matter the reason. If something was good, bad, congratulatory. It didn’t matter. We ate. The first thing my brother, sister-in-law, and I did after my mom died? We went and ate.

It would be easy to just blame my genes or family traditions but ultimately, I’m in control of what I put in my mouth. Or at least I’m supposed to be in control. Sometimes I feel like I have no control. It’s all very mental and my weight comes up often in therapy. My weight contributes to my major depression and anxiety (among other things and experiences).

The struggle is real.

Dana :|

Numbers

Weight: 398.4 (up 0, down 3.8 total since starting)

Out of Bed Blood Sugar: 130 (good)

Before Lunch Blood Sugar: 196 (high)

Before Dinner Blood Sugar: not there yet