Today has been a weepy day. It happens relatively often, at
least once a week (which is better than it used to be), and is more of a
product of my depression than being a woman (although I think I’m quite
hormonal today). And a lot has to do with my weight, I won’t lie.
I never had a problem turning a new age every year (besides
my birthday bad luck which is an entirely different blog post) until I hit 40.
That was the age that really bothered me along with every age since then (I’ll
be 44 in October). I look at my life and see that I have not lived; I don’t
have much to show for my years on this Earth. I know a lot of that has had to
do with my weight. There’s just so much I’ve missed because I physically couldn’t
do something or because of people’s perceptions of obese people. And I’ve been
my own worst enemy in believing I couldn’t live a certain way.
One thing that is so hard to do sometimes when I’m trying to
lose weight is keep myself going (in terms of continuing to eat healthy and be
active). I try to tell myself that if I’m successful, some things will be so
much better. I might be up for an adventure. I might feel what life is like. I
might finally fall in love. The problem is that there are no guarantees in life
and I’ve gotten to the point where I need guarantees. It would certainly make
losing weight easier. One could say my health will be better but I could get
down to my goal weight one day and the next day find out my cancer has
relapsed.
I admit I’m a pessimist. It’s just the combination of
experiences I’ve had. My pessimism doesn’t help sometimes but I’m trying to be
better about seeing things in a more positive light. This has definitely gotten
better since December and January when I went through ECT treatments to help
fight my depression. It’s not a magic cure – my depression still roars – but maybe
not so loudly. Unless it’s a weepy day. There are good days and bad days and
sometimes I don’t feel strong enough to fight the bad and give into the tears
and grayness. Those days used to be often and consecutive and I once gave into
the grayness but survived. Now those days just hit here and there and I’m
relieved for that.
The weepy days are still hard. I see the bad, what I’ve not
accomplished, what I should have done better in my life. My favorite Daughtry
song is called “Witness” and it so reflects what I feel so often. I’ve linked
to the You Tube video if you’re not familiar with it. I hope it helps people
understand where I’m at on the weepy, gray days.
Dana :’(
Numbers
Weight: 399.4 (down 1.6, down 3.2 total since starting)
Out of Bed Blood Sugar: 131 (good)
Before Lunch Blood Sugar: 124 (good)
Before Dinner Blood Sugar: not there yet
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